Mormons...

So today I was awakened at 3 p.m. by a...

Yes, I said 3 p.m. And yes, I did go to sleep at 2 last night, thanks very much. I understand that is 13 hours of blissful, uninterrupted sleep. Well, not really uninterrupted.

As I was saying, I was awakened by a knock on the door. Now, normally in this situation I would close my eyes and go back to sleep and wait for one of my roommates to answer.

Which I did.

So I was very surprised when the knock on the door was followed by a ring on the doorbell. "Hmm," I thought to myself, "there must be nobody home." So with great reluctance I stood up, put on some pants, shuffled out of my room, and opened the door to find two well-dressed Mormons staring back at me.

At this point I was annoyed because I had put on pants for no good reason. It is a commonly known fact that putting on pants means you are ready to begin the day, and while I had 13 hours of sleep to be thankful for, I wasn't quite ready to "go do stuff". However, I figured, once this Mormon interaction would be over, I would have to "go do stuff", because I had already put on my pants. Hey, I don't make the pant-rules, I just live by them.

Anyways, Mormon #1 looks me up and down and begins his monologue.

"Hello, we are with the Church of Latter-Day Saints and we would like to talk to you today about Jesus Christ. Do you accept Jesus Christ in your heart?"

At least he got right to the point, unlike those bullshit preachers on campus who try to be your friend before they spring His Holiness on you.

"No, Sir" I said, wanting nothing more than to go back to my room, take off my pants, and go back to sleep.

Mormon #1 looks disappointed. Mormon #2, a chubbier dude with more hair, speaks up.

"Uhh... are you agnostic? Atheist?"

"No, I'm Jewish".

I racked my brains for ways to get out of this, and could think of nothing better or more creative than some good ol' fashioned honesty. Surely even Mormons could appreciate that.

"Listen guys," I interjected, before they could say anything, "I appreciate this and all, but I just woke up and I'm really hungry so if you could get to the point..."

A bit rude, perhaps, but then again, they were the ones who had made me put on my pants this morning.

Mormon #1's turn again.

"Well, is there a better time we could stop by and maybe talk to you?"

"Not really."

"Okay, well here's a card, we'll stop by some other time."

Mormon #1 handed me a little card with some info about the LDS Church on it, I said "Thanks, have a good day" and that was that.

When I got back to my room I thought about taking my pants off and going back to sleep, but everybody knows that once you put your pants on you have to start the day, so instead I took a shower.

Damn you Mormons. Damn you.

Also, while leaving Chipotle today, the car in front of me had the absolute worst bumper sticker I have ever seen:



It says, "LOST YOUR CAT? TRY LOOKING UNDER MY TIRES."

Either that's a reference I don't get, or that guy is a Grade-A dickwad.